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[He chuckles lightly, with appreciation.]

Your faith in me is reassuring. If only I felt so comfortable holding steadfast to the core of myself -- but I intend to. Make no mistake of that.

And yourself, Lucian? ...If I might be so bold, there's something different about you.

[ That's what friends are for, right? ]

Indeed there is. I fear that I am being forced to return to a previous state, as well. [ He closes his eyes briefly before looking up again. ] I had not been human in a past life. I am aware I look just slightly different - Retrospec has changed my physical body.

[ Even the scar that had nearly cost him (this) life was no longer there. ]

I had been called one of the divine. A title that doesn't sit well with me. Its weight, I cannot carry.

Edited 2017-09-23 17:30 (UTC)

The... divine?

[He pauses, considering the implications that arise from that.]

You mean like one would call a god?

That is correct.

[ A sigh, as he puts a hand to his forehead in a hallmark of unsettled thought ]

There is no way I can fulfil its role now. I hesitate to tell others of it.

A god... in what capacity?

[He looks at Lucian now... really looks at him, considering how he's presenting himself. The strange symmetry in his face, the way that it doesn't seem like he's taking the time to even breathe.

It's worrying, but only because he can't imagine what his friend must be going through with such a revelation. He will show concern on his face enough for the both of them.]

Were you worshipped?

[ The thought had only been made easier to bear by the Art of Disconnecting (tm) and the fact that its very nature contributed to his lack of fear. ]

Not exactly. In that time, I had guided the people of my lands. I was... a god of truth, and justice.

[ Not surprising given the man's own nature, but: ]

The title came with foresight and the knowledge of all that will be. But I... am but a common man. I could never be what once was. So it is unrealistic, unfair for us to be expected to be what we once were. That is the injustice that I feel plagues us right now.

[ It's said quietly, with his eyes closed. ]

[And how he can relate, though on a completely different scale. Lucian, who feels he cannot live up to what he once was. And Ardyn, who fears that he will become that other man, wholly and fully.

This requires another sip or two of his tea, taking in its scent. It warmth. As if it'll help connect his words with more ease.]

It is an injustice. Unfair, in everything.

[He sets the cup down.]

I've had this same conversation with a few people by now. The solutions have been the same -- that we must cling to who we are now, the very core of who we have become in this life.

[ In this way, this life is redemption, a chance to make anew. For those who are still in this world, for those whom we can yet save. ]

It's never so easy, is it?

[ They've had this conversation before. ]

At times, I wish I had my predecessor's wisdom. I am at a loss for any new ideas.

No. It isn't.

[It is worth repeating, for the sake of encouragement. What little they can garner.]

You and I both, friend. I think it is best to rely on those close to you, however, for they might be able to tell how much you're changing, more than you can personally. I've told many that I'm relying on them to keep me in check if any... less than admirable qualities begin to surface.

[ It's similar to what Grell said to him, so long ago, when Ainsley had gone back to sleep. ]

I must remember. How it is like to still feel...

[ However, this moment of self-indulgence is all that he will allow, so he'll look up again. ]

Then I too will be your mirror in these times. Though I would hold that you are still a good man, even now.

[He smiles at him, faintly.]

Thank you. That means... well. It means a lot, because it's hard not to be plagued with internal doubts at the most inopportune times.

[But he wants to bring the focus to Lucian, with whom he cannot help but feel concerned.]

Do you not feel? Anything?

[ The older man closes his eyes, putting a single hand to his chest. It's a rather cliche gesture, but it seemed to fit best. ]

No. It has drained out of me. Not entirely - I can still feel the stronger ones, but I am bereft of the remainder. I have to remind myself the sensation of emotion, so that I may experience it again.

[ The physical ways in which emotions manifested in one's body, that he can still muster. But was it truly emotion? ]

Lucian, that's-

[Impossible to fathom. Cruel, that Retrospec would do such a thing? He almost doesn't know what to say, having emotion "drained" out of someone.

He feels a flash of anger at Retrospec again, but it fades in the face of concern for his friend.]

What can I do for you?

[ How can one mourn a lost thing when one has lost the capacity for mourning itself? ]

I have found that being in the company of others helps to remind me. When alone, I fade easily into automation.

[ By itself, it has its own merits. But it feels like he is fighting a philosophical battle, not a necessary one at times. ]

Other than that... I have no more answers.

[ Not for the first time. It shows not quite on his face, instead in his eyes. ]

Well, I find that unacceptable.

[As if he can do anything about it. As if Ardyn is able to help him, and not feel utterly useless for his friend. But stubbornness in the face of something larger than themselves can offer him a small mode of comfort, which he'll take when he can.]

You're certainly in a company of your friend now, but let's find something to do that'll make certain you feel that blossoming of happiness once more. What will it be? What brings you joy?

[Brought him joy.]

[ Lucian merely contemplates Ardyn's words for a few moments before assuming a smile - not quite a chuckle, but it is fond and tinged with amusement. ]

You, my friend, are always so full of life. It's contagious sometimes, you know?

[ As faint as it had been, it felt like a sliver of tangible light. ]

The act that I enjoy the most is in knowing that you have found fulfilment.

[The smile is promising, though what he tells him is bittersweet in its own way. It's touching, but Ardyn cannot help but shake his head.]

You're too kind. But I would have you be selfish for just this once, and think of yourself. Not I. Not my own fulfillment. But yours.

[ It warrants some thought. Lucian has become so accustomed to thinking about others that he had integrated it into his own happiness. What does he want?

Perhaps it is time to delve further back into his memories of this world. ]

I have heard that the Halloween occasion is coming. Perhaps we could enjoy the celebrations. I have not played my violin in a long time.

Oh, the violin.

[Just the very idea seems to bring a smile to his face. How graceful, but with a definite potential to be spooky. As suited for Halloween.]

Yes. What shall you play? I do want to listen.

I could pick up some pieces for the occasion. Most of my repertoire consist of classics, alas.

[ In a quiet rebellion against his backsliding history, he would innovate. Become... hip. Perhaps. ]

There is no "alas" that deserves to be added to that statement! The classics are classic for a reason.

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