daemonized | RECOLLE IC CONTACT.

[The fact that this conversation makes it way into being a private one is proof of it bothering Dante, without even having to deduce it from tone alone. Ardyn honestly cannot blame him; he's skewed his discussions about his second "memory" towards one-on-one texts, as well.

One might notice how Ardyn's usual flippant tone is rather lacking this time, as well. He's sometimes a smarmy bastard, but he's not purposefully thoughtless. Even to a student as snarky as Dante.]

I've been calling them "memories", you know. Because there is no other proper word for it.

I've seen things that cannot possibly exist, and experienced myself being in places I know I've never visited. But there is a lingering notion, whispering in the back of my mind, that they /were/ real. Despite the absurdity of it, I am one hundred percent confident that somewhere those monsters must exist. And that I was in a train car, with a blizzard blowing through it.

Don't you feel that same sort of certainty as well?

[It takes a while for Dante to respond. Putting how he's feeling into words makes everything more real.]

yeah

but...

[On the other end he sighs, scrubbing at his face with both hands. He doesn't want to share this weakness with anyone, but at the same time this has been wearing on him since things first started happening. And, well... for some reason, he trusts Ardyn not to use this against him.]

in my memory, someone said, "suppose you get to another island? what would you do there?" and i answered her with, "well, i haven't really thought about it. it's just... i've always wondered why we're here, on this island. if there are any other ones out there, why did we end up on this one?"

if that's real, then what about the years i spent with my parents traveling? those aren't fake, either

i don't know how they could both be real, and i can't say i like the idea of forgetting those years we spent touring as a family

[Ardyn is flippant, patronizing, and sometimes utterly frustrating, but he's not spiteful ~~yet~~ or heartless. Dante's trust isn't misplaced; he's already considering this a confidential sort of exchange.]

These memories may not make much sense, and likely they clash with what you know of your current experiences (mine do exactly the same), but that doesn't make either of them less valid. If they feel real to you, and you're sure that they are real, why shouldn't you believe them to be? Too much has already happened that can't be explained, what's one more?

That being said, my 37 years of existence will not be erased just because of my recalling something that doesn't fit in the "timeline", so to speak. I refuse to let it. And so should you.

Think of it like this: if you subscribed to the idea of reincarnation, you wouldn't be worrying at all. Let that take some weight off your shoulders.

[It's weird, confiding in Ardyn like this. Weirder still that Ardyn's taking his concerns and addressing them on the same level. Unfortunately, the idea of reincarnation doesn't assuage his fears that much--he's never really thought about it all that much.]

but what if i don't want them to be real

[He doesn't want to remember another life and to grow attached to these people he'll never really know. He doesn't need to care about more people that are forever out of his reach.]

Edited 2017-03-05 22:54 (UTC)

[There's a pause as Ardyn decides what to ask in return. He finally settles on:]

Do the memories of this island bother you so much?

[It takes a little while for Dante to respond. No. Yes? It's not the island that bothers him... but it must, if he'd been saying that he'd always wondered why they were there on the island. But do the feelings of this "other him" correspond to his feelings? Does he even know how this "other him" felt, or is it just him projecting the way he thinks he must have felt, based on his words...?]

i don't know

i don't know if it's the memories of the island bothers me, or the island bothers the me of the memories

Quite honestly? This all sounds as if it's an existential crisis in the making.

I don't know what answer to give you, regarding if you don't wish for it to be real. But I can understand the feeling completely.

My second memory was filled with emotions that I wasn't particularly fond of. Anger and hate-- and I do not consider myself a very /hateful/ man to begin with.

[And now Ardyn can understand why they bother Dante so much. He recognizes that if things continue in this manner, he's going to have a crisis, and honestly he'd much rather avoid it if he can.]

what was your second memory?

[It would be easier if they could just pretend these were all dreams, vivid hallucinations brought on by who-knows-what. But there's a heft to them that Ardyn cannot ignore -- everyone he's spoken to about it so far seems to feel the same.]

I was on a train car, and there was a snowstorm blowing through the it. Beyond a simple sort of cold, a freezing chill like I've never felt before. Someone was stumbling towards me. In pain, in anger.

I was... glad for their suffering.

what happens if you keep remembering things like that?

aren't you worried that they might change you somehow?

Of course I'm worried. But what am I do to? Other than steel myself against them now.

If my current self crumbles so easily, then perhaps I wasn't as strong as I thought I was in the first place. Wouldn't you say the same for yourself?

[WOW DON'T CALL HIM OUT LIKE THIS ARDYN Dante knows he isn't as strong as he pretends to be.]

frankly i already know the answer to that

[And he swears if you ever try to bring it up again he will deny, deny, deny it.]

[The truth is hard, Dante. Especially where regains are concerned.]

And what is that answer?

[Don't worry, this is an anomaly in their usual interactions. Perhaps that's a blessing in disguise.]

oh come on

i'm being cagey enough here that we both know you already know what the answer is

i hardly need to say it

I wanted to read it for myself, I suppose.

Dante, maybe you don't give yourself enough credit. I can't claim to know you as well as close family or friends, but I get the impression that you'd put up a fight before giving into alien emotions and memories, no matter how real they feel. Don't tell me I'm wrong?

all right. i won't tell you

[The snark is instinctual, if also true. But it takes a long while for Dante to continue while he continues to sort through all these different feelings he has on the topic.

Truth be told, he's a little bit scared that maybe he'd be willing to let those memories change him all too easily. What might it be like to have memories of a life where he'd had actual friends? Where maybe he hadn't been burned by letting people get close to him? It's not that Dante doesn't like the life he's living, but he knows that he has baggage he's left unpacked, worries and anxieties he's shoved away rather than accept and embrace. It would be all too easy to escape into this fantasy of reincarnation.]

i'm not exactly an open book to read, prof

i'd say you know me about as well as anyone does

maybe a bit more

[It appears Ardyn is dipping his feet into some proverbial insecurities.

Naturally, this sparks something that others might find surprising in the man; sympathy, in its most sincere form. A propensity to actually care about the well-being of his students, never mind the excess of snark he's received from this particular one in the past. It barely mattered.]

There's an entire community of individuals who undoubtedly feel the same as you. Remember that there's always an ear willing to listen, Dante. You needn't carry this sort of burden alone. What's the saying, after all? Misery loves company.

misery can go take a long walk off a short pier

[Who said he was miserable? He sure didn't say he was miserable! He's got everything going for him, right? Unfortunately, Ardyn's attempt to reach out here will only be met by Dante retreating like a hermit crab back into his own shell.]

i'm not carrying any sort of burden

i just don't like these fake memories. that's all

[There's only so much that Ardyn can do or say -- most especially over text. If the boy wants to retreat and deny, he won't stop him. He's already planted the idea of reaching out to talk to others if things get too heavy, or at least, he can only hope he has.

But he does feel the need to clarify something, regardless.]

These "fake" memories /are/ burdensome. Confusing and disorienting. No one would blame you for commiserating.

i can deal with it

[Guess who's steadfastly ignoring the fact that that doesn't align at all with what he'd been admitting to Ardyn just a little bit earlier?

And yet, after a pause...]

thanks

[After the first text, he doesn't expect another. It's a pleasant sort of surprise, and he won't push any further. Not today, at least.]

You're welcome. See you in class?

yeah

i'll be there

[After all, the last thing he wants to do is let anybody else know that something's wrong. The only thing he really can do is keep pushing on, right? Right.]

RECOLLE IC CONTACT.

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