daemonized | RECOLLE IC CONTACT.

You know me too well. Because yes, I will.

Just for you, Grell.

Then I'm going to say nothing. Deprive you of the amusement you seek to garner from my reaction. You will go along, as unremarked upon as if you weren't wearing anything other than your usual clothing.

[even as she says it, she knows it's a lie. she'd say something, she really would.]

Now, don't take this the wrong way, but I don't believe for a second that your willpower is quite that strong.

You'll say something. You see the pinstripe pants and have to say something.

Well certainly I will if you go parading around in them deliberately trying to get me to make some comment. I'll have to remark on how well they fit or don't fit you, or that you're trying stripes today. Pants like that are begging to be commented on.

[and it means she'll have lost. from the start. but the benefit is that both of their moods seem to have lifted some.]

But a wing? Seriously? Not even a matched set, a singular wing? What purpose does such a thing serve?

[He looks satisfied, because it's true. She would lose, quite thoroughly.]

I don't know if there was truly any practical use to it. To be honest, it felt a bit unwieldy.

Perhaps it's symbolic? Some sort of status symbol? If you were to wear a wing, for what reason would it be?

I'd want to wear two wings and be balanced, but if I had to wear one...I'd wear it to prove a point, or to indicate some type of position. Something worth the weight and attention of me wearing a wing. A celebration...or a warning in the shape of an accessory.

Of course, I could always have been asked to wear it.

[A celebration or a warning. Ardyn wonders which it might've been, truly. But at the same time, there's something that he's almost certain of, though he can't quite say exactly why.]

I don't think anyone... asked me to wear it.

[~~no one but yourself would want you to wear any of that, ardyn~~]

Everything, I believe, was worn of my own choice. Unfortunately, that means you cannot shift the blame of my "terrible fashion choices" onto someone else.

It also means that you know something you and your past self share - the tendency to dress for none but yourself. Only it takes form of a black wing in that life and being stubborn about layers in this one.

[or both.]

Tenaciously careless about society's perceptions, in that regard.

[He actually gives a shrug.]

Why waste time worrying about what others think of you? There's already too much in life to concern yourself with, than to lose sleep over the opinion of sheep... as the saying may go.

[Ardyn does care what others may think, of course -- to say that he 100 percent does not would be a lie. He just tends to care exponentially less than most, and when he does, it's only about very specific, hard-to-pin things.]

Sheep they may be, but I want the sheep to be impressed with me rather than scornful. Is that such a waste of time? It makes me pleased when they are.

[if they must cast judgement, let them look and be respectful. she cares more than she wants people to know - cloaking it in saying it was all for her own comfort is an excuse half of the time.]

But a wolf cares not. [-for the opinion of sheep, he means, if he's going to finish his reference in the most backwards way possible.]

As someone very obscure and not at all famous once wrote, "To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man."

Sound advice, but one must question the source, when the speaker is a hypocritical old man enraptured with the sound of his own voice.

[Polonius said a lot of wonderful things out of context.]

You should have gone with "The eyes of others our prisons; their thoughts our cages."

Advice is advice. Just because the speaker is an old, useless man only makes it more poignant in its irony, hm?

[It was remiss of him to not think she wouldn't have pointed that out.]

That quote is the opposite of what I'm trying to say, however. A reality that I would rather avoid if at all possible.

Do you consider the eyes of others your own prison, Grell? [Only Ardyn could ask such a heavy question with a casual air.]

Hmmm...I wonder. I meant the quote to be something to illustrate that others' perceptions are limiting, not necessarily that they can't be broken away from. Both prisons and cages can be unlocked.

[this doesn't answer the question.]

[No, not... exactly an answer at all. He lifts a brow, only slightly, but isn't so quick to call her out on it.]

And what freedom it is once they have been unlocked.

That isn't to say that we will always be free from what others might think of us; only that it's hardly worth feeling restricted because of other people's opinions. A life in shackles is hardly one worth living.

And yet we live our lives so accustomed to the weight that to be freed never occurs. Simply a part of reality. If you take it away, who's to say someone won't be so light they'll be at risk of being blown away by the wind?

[hardly worth it. perhaps for some. who's to say what's worth it when you don't know the alternative?]

That depends; do you prefer to be chained down in security, or faced with the dizzying excitement of being free, in all the uncertainty it brings?

[Elegantly (maybe) looping his way back into his original question.]

When you phrase it like that, there's only one real answer. Freedom.

[when it's the only option, because security is...boring. something given up a very long time ago in exchange for happiness.]

[He smiles.] So then, to achieve this freedom, you must care little for other people's expectations. Self-consciousness must be a thing of the past.

A lofty goal. Impossible for some. So, again, do you consider the eyes of others your own prison?

[a short sigh. here they are again, and she has no quick escape prepared.]

You say it's lofty, but you also speak of not caring like it's easy. That's hardly fair.

[if Ardyn will give her two more seconds, he'll get an answer.]

...They're not so much a prison as...I've never not been self-conscious.

[if she says it casually and shrugs her shoulders can this be a lighthearted admission and not serious]

[Maybe Ardyn was simply born with the predisposition not to care. Or maybe it was molded into something he's become very adamant about, growing up in an environment where he was always meant to meet someone else's expectations. Maybe both. Either way, he knows it's not fair to expect someone else to feel the same way. To shrug off what other people might think, as if it were negligible, laughable, not worth their time.

But he's not pressing upon her an expectation. Ardyn only tries to understand -- and after understanding, maybe attempt to nudge her in a different direction, if Grell will allow it. Because he cares an inordinate amount. An embarrassing amount, really.]

I know it's not fair.

[That's worth the clarification, at least.]

But what does someone like yourself have to be self-conscious about?

[A sincere question. True, Ardyn may be a little biased, but in his eyes, Grell has no reason to shrink under the critical gaze of anyone else. She's intelligent, reassuring, funny, and beautiful. Her friends respect her, and enjoy her company. So, what on earth could she possibly be so self-conscious about?]

[before Grell answers, she moves over on the couch, repositioning so that she can lean and put her head on his shoulder. something about the contact makes the conversation easier.]

I could list off a dozen things to you that I believe I have every right to be self conscious about, but for the sake of everything it can all be summarized in that I'd like to be enough for people.

[brave enough, smart enough, pretty enough, all of it matching some invisible criteria so that she's gone and earned that respect from people. all so that one can be unquestionably worthy of their time and attention. she's said as much before.]

I want to be good enough for them. And there's...quite a bit that goes into that.

[Ardyn has no qualms about Grell shifting closer to him and leaning her head on his shoulder. Without really thinking about it, he puts an arm around her, as if to keep her this near. Making conversation was never difficult for a man like Ardyn Izunia, but there was something comforting in the feel of her body heat next to his own that he won't hesitate to indulge in.

He listens, his mind turning over what the implications are to being enough. To hold oneself to a standard created only in the mind, a bar that might never truly be satisfactorily cleared. They were still expectations all the same, but instead of being imposed by friends or co-workers or parents, this implied that it was born of an inward sort of anxiety. Self-consciousness derived from a lack of self-confidence.

Maybe he was wrong, but he's thought back to the things Grell has told him before. He's noted the questions and tidbits of conversation that she'd sidestep, even when they were nothing more than friends. He isn't so sure that he's incorrect.

But instead of voicing all of this, his question in return in plain. She can probably feel his fingertips pressing lightly into her clothes, as Ardyn feels a swath of fond protectiveness dart through him.]

So... does that mean, in your default state of being yourself, you don't think that you are good enough? That this is a goal that constantly and consistently needs to be worked for?

It's not very much thinking that. It's knowing that.

[his presence next to her is soothing, keeps her grounded as she says such things that ordinarily she'd strangle in her throat before they could come out and leave her exposed. like pulling back fine fabric to show skin, easily bruised without armor. this is...she hasn't done something like this in years for someone, and it's as shaky as it was before.

trusting someone. trying to believe they won't view her as weak for admitting so many flaws.]

Knowing...?

[The word is breathed out, just barely an echo of her own admission. Very rarely has he heard something so sad spoken as if it were an obvious truth. Ardyn feels that bleeding heart of his pulse for hers; he has trouble comprehending why she would believe such a thing, when all the evidence surrounding her (all the evidence that is her) points to the opposite.]

Grell... That's not true. [He'll beat back opinion with opinion if he has to; truth with truth.] Why would you believe that? Because it's quite the reverse of what I see.

[There's only the briefest of pauses, because even Ardyn Izunia has difficulties putting into words all that he feels for and believes about Grell.]

You're brilliant in all that you do, and even all that you are not aware of. Your mind, your body, the humor and kindness in your soul. All of it natural, not strained by something as misplaced as cognizant effort to be these things, despite what you may believe about yourself. The essence of who you are is a bright streak of light in an otherwise darkened room -- and I don't say that from bias alone. I say it because I believe it to be true.

You just have to be willing to see yourself that way; to let go of whatever obscures your vision from seeing what is otherwise crystal clear.

RECOLLE IC CONTACT.

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